Communication
Kaleide is a community where children and adults can feel safe to be themselves. For this reason it is vital for us to devote time to work with the interpersonal communication between and among the children, between adults and children, and among adults. We strive to use non-authoritarian problem solving and peaceful conflict resolution based on non-violent communication.
Here are our communication guidelines:
NVC is commonly referred to as a four step process called OFNR.
Observation: what do I see (in a factual way)?
Feelings: what do I feel regarding what I am observing?
Needs: what do I need in this particular situation?
Request: what can I do to meet my need?
From the perspective of non-violent communication, feelings emerge from needs, and give us important clues to deepen our understanding of ourselves.
The following is a list of needs, taken from the Center for Non-Violent Communication website:
Needs
CONNECTION
acceptance; affection; appreciation; belonging; cooperation; communication; closeness; community; companionship; compassion; consideration; consistency; empathy; inclusion; intimacy; love; mutuality; nurturing; respect/self-respect; safety; security; stability; support to know and be known, to see and be seen, to understand and be understood; trust; warmth
PHYSICAL WELL-BEING air; food; movement/exercise; rest/sleep; sexual expression; safety; shelter; touch; water
HONESTY authenticity; integrity; presence
PLAY joy; humour
PEACE beauty; communion; ease; equality; harmony; inspiration; order
AUTONOMY choice; freedom; independence; space; spontaneity
MEANING awareness; celebration of life; challenge; clarity; competence; consciousness; contribution; creativity; discovery; efficacy; effectiveness; growth; hope; learning; mourning; participation; purpose; self-expression; stimulation to matter; understanding
And here is a list of feelings:
AFFECTIONATE compassionate friendly loving open hearted sympathetic tender warm
ENGAGED absorbed alert curious engrossed enchanted entranced fascinated interested intrigued involved spellbound stimulated
HOPEFUL expectant encouraged optimistic
CONFIDENT empowered open proud safe secure
EXCITED amazed animated ardent aroused astonished dazzled eager energetic enthusiastic giddy invigorated lively passionate surprised vibrant
GRATEFUL appreciative moved thankful touched
INSPIRED amazed awed wonder
JOYFUL amused delighted glad happy jubilant pleased tickled
EXHILARATED blissful ecstatic elated enthralled exuberant radiant rapturous thrilled
PEACEFUL calm clear headed comfortable centered content equanimous fulfilled mellow quiet relaxed relieved satisfied serene still tranquil trusting
REFRESHED enlivened rejuvenated renewed rested restored revived
c) 2005 by Center for Nonviolent Communication Website: www.cnvc.org Email: [email protected] Phone: +1.505.244.4041
AFRAID apprehensive dread foreboding frightened mistrustful panicked petrified scared suspicious terrified wary worried
ANNOYED aggravated dismayed disgruntled displeased exasperated frustrated impatient irritated irked
ANGRY enraged furious incensed indignant irate livid outraged resentful
AVERSION animosity appalled contempt disgusted dislike hate horrified hostile repulsed
CONFUSED ambivalent baffled bewildered dazed hesitant lost mystified perplexed puzzled torn
DISCONNECTED alienated aloof apathetic bored cold detached distant distracted indifferent numb removed uninterested withdrawn
DISQUIET agitated alarmed discombobulated disconcerted disturbed perturbed rattled restless shocked startled surprised troubled turbulent turmoil uncomfortable uneasy unnerved unsettled upset
EMBARRASSED ashamed chagrined flustered guilty mortified self-conscious
FATIGUE beat burnt out depleted exhausted lethargic listless sleepy tired weary worn out
PAIN agony anguished bereaved devastated grief heartbroken hurt lonely miserable regretful remorseful
SAD depressed dejected despair despondent disappointed discouraged disheartened forlorn gloomy heavy hearted hopeless melancholy unhappy wretched
TENSE anxious cranky distressed distraught edgy fidgety frazzled irritable jittery nervous overwhelmed restless stressed out
VULNERABLE fragile guarded helpless insecure leery reserved sensitive shaky
YEARNING envious jealous longing nostalgic pining wistful
Not all words that we usually refer to as "feelings" really are feelings. Using words like "abandoned" or "misled" or "shunned" can prevent ourselves from tapping into the actual feelings. These "non-feeling" words are more like accusations or judgments than feelings, and block our chances of building a bridge towards another.
It is also useful, when talking about feelings, to focus on our body sensations. Here is a list of body sensations compiled by Meenadchi:
Assumptions About Feelings and Communication
At Kaleide we see conflict as an opportunity for transformation. In line with Paulo Freire's thinking, we believe problem-posing education (which has been defined as one where human beings are viewed as conscious beings who are unfinished, yet in process of becoming) is able to change an oppressive situation towards a more humanised society by getting to the roots of conflicts.
We acknowledge that:
there will always be differences of opinion;
there will always be conflicts when people work, play or live close together;
every person has a right to every feeling they have. There is no need to justify a feeling. It is not an action. All feelings are O.K. Not all actions are O.K.;
feelings are information. If we can listen to them without judgment, we can enrich our understanding of ourselves and others;
feelings might be linked to the current situation, and they might also be linked in emotional memory to a situation in someone’s past that resembles the present, but is not the present;
very strong feelings often indicate that, in addition to the disturbing current situation, something in the past is also “triggered.” When we ask adults to “look at their own issues,” it is not instead of working with the current upsetting issue; it is in addition to it, in order to resolve the current issue with less hurt and more clarity.
When a person has these assumptions about feelings, he/she can use any situation which is upsetting as an opportunity not only to resolve the current upsetting situation with another person, but also as an opportunity to look into what situation in the past, that had some similar element, is still “unfinished” within her/himself and work to resolve that one further.
Active Listening
Active listening is an important way to bring about changes in people. Despite the popular notion that listening is a passive approach, clinical and research evidence clearly shows that sensitive listening is a most effective agent for individual personality change and group development. Listening brings about changes in peoples’ attitudes toward themselves and others; it also brings about changes in their basic values and personal philosophy. People who have been listened to in this new and special way become more emotionally mature, more open to their experiences, less defensive, more democratic, and less authoritarian.
Carl Rogers and Richard Farson
When you are active listening, there is no judgment or evaluation of what the speaker is saying. You accept it, and acknowledge it. Active Listening does not imply that you are agreeing with whatever the other person is saying. But accepting is not the same as agreeing.
Acceptance is the heart and soul of Active Listening. It is not the time to object, teach, help the other person to solve a problem, or demand explanations. This is a time to let a person talk without interruptions or judgment, while you listen to what they have to say.
Below are four core principles of active listening:
1. Physical Attention:
Face the person who is talking.
Notice the speaker’s body language; does it match what he/she is saying?
Can you match the speaker’s body language?
Try not to do anything else while you are listening.
2. Paraphrasing:
Show you are listening and understanding what is being said.
Check the meaning and your interpretation.
Restate basic ideas and facts.
Check to make sure your understanding is accurate by saying: “It sounds like what you mean is… Is that so?” “So what happened was… Is that correct?”
3. Reflecting
Show that you understand how the person feels.
Help the person evaluate his or her feelings after hearing them expressed by someone else.
Reflect the speaker’s feelings by saying: “Are you saying that you’re angry/disappointed/glad, because…?” “It sounds like you feel…”
4. Clarifying
Help clarify what is said.
Get more information.
Help the speaker see other points of view.
Use a tone of voice that conveys interest.
Ask open-ended questions, as opposed to yes/no questions, to elicit more information.
5. Encouraging
Show interest by saying “Can you tell me more about that?” “Really?” “Is that so?”
Active listening allows a person upset by something to clarify feelings, thoughts, and a plan of communication and action about the situation – at least the next step. It allows an upset person to “vent” feelings without hurting anyone, without having to “hold back.” That, in itself, allows for greater exploration of feelings and thoughts, and greater clarity and calm about what might be the clearest and most respectful next step to resolve something.
Problem Solving Steps
Recognize that I am feeling upset.
Try to think clearly about what the problem is, and with whom I have the problem.
Get “active listening” from a skilled “listener.” Hold back from gossiping, or venting my feelings, except to a “listener.”
Do “anger release” with the listener, if I need to, or privately on my own.
Get as clear as I can, now, about what the problem is, with whom I have the problem, and decide when and how best to approach the person with whom I have the problem. Decide if I want to talk with the person with, or without, a “mediator” present.
Check in with a “mediator” if I want one.
Contact the person with whom I have the problem. Ask for a time to talk, and if using a mediator, ask if the person is okay with the mediator I want. If not, select a mediator with whom we are both comfortable.
If the first meeting without a mediator resolves the issue, it’s done.
If the first meeting without a mediator does not resolve the issue, consider a meeting with a mediator.
If the “mediated” meeting doesn’t resolve the issue, try a second meeting.
If you are making progress, try a third meeting.
If you are not making progress, try a different mediator, or agree that each person will set up “active listening” time with “listeners” of their choice to get even clearer on the issues and feelings for each person, before another meeting.
Have another “mediated” meeting.
If it is an issue at school, and hasn’t gotten resolved, contact the Director about the next steps to take. If it is an issue with the Director, and isn’t getting resolved, ask for one or more of the facilitators to participate in the meetings.
If the issue is not getting resolved after several listening times and several mediated meetings, it might be time to look at next steps each person would take if an issue was not able to be resolved.
Not every issue can be resolved. It is discouraging and un-empowering for all involved to meet indefinitely without resolution. Agreeing openly to disagree is sometimes a solution, and is more respectful than being mad at each other, unacknowledged, and having it leak out.
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