# Relationships with Children

## Trusting Relationships

The facilitators and the children have very close relationships which enable the children to know who it is most appropriate to approach for guidance on a project. The closeness of these relationships also ensures the children feel very safe asking facilitators for support: **it is of great importance that children feel the facilitator is someone who is not a judge but someone they can trust. Facilitators participate as partners in children's activities rather than relating to children as managers or supervisors. They share control with children, focusing on children's strengths, forming authentic relationships with them, supporting children's play ideas –even by playing with them– and adopting a problem-solving approach to social conflict.**&#x20;

**The role of the facilitator is not to dispense information or to correct.** Instead, facilitators may simply observe; at the children's request, they may act as co-investigators or scribes; they may challenge or provoke ideas through the use of open-ended questions and provocations of many kinds; through dialogue with the children, facilitators may re-launch an idea or concept in a way which takes the children's understanding and experience to the next level.&#x20;

**At all times, facilitators show enormous respect for children's own theories, ways of thinking and hypotheses.** At Kaleide International School, we believe that allowing children to make mistakes in their quest to solve problems is fundamental to the learning process. Facilitators are not quick to intervene at every problem the children confront. Indeed, **we believe in allowing children to travel along what adults may consider “the wrong path”, and in encouraging them to realise their mistakes autonomously**.&#x20;

{% hint style="success" %}
At Kaleide, relationships between children and adults are based on authenticity and warmth, and this promotes autonomy and the expression of feelings and needs.
{% endhint %}

## Settling into the School

We view separation as a unique and on-going process which is different for each child. Therefore, we have no fixed timetable as to how long the separation process will take. We want to individualise the process to best meet the emotional needs of each child.&#x20;

Communication between parents and facilitators is vital throughout this process. It is important for parents to discuss the leaving process with you before leaving their child alone at school. When both the parents and the pedagogical team feel the child is ready, parents can leave for a short period, making it gradually longer until their child is ready for a full day without them.&#x20;

Sometimes, the moment of separation can be one of great grief for a child. **We understand children’s expressions of grief to be normal and emotionally healthy.** **Crying is a natural healing response and it is important that children feel free to fully express themselves.** This process can also be difficult and painful for the parent; however, we ask that parents always let their child know when they are leaving and wait for an acknowledgment to make sure they have been heard. **It is important for the child to be fully aware that their mum or dad is leaving, and is lovingly supported in their feelings of grief until they are done, without the pressure to “feel better” on an adult timetable.**&#x20;

A child’s comfort level with being at school without a parent present will often shift and change, and they may need the support of a facilitator more or less at certain times. For example, illness, a parent out of town, family changes or crisis may trigger a need for more support from a parent or facilitator. Parents are asked to work in partnership with their child’s facilitator in order to help her understand any changes in the child’s regular routine at home so that we can better support him or her at school.

{% hint style="info" %}
When they start at Kaleide, each child is assigned a Key Facilitator, who will establish a close relationship with her, learn about and provide for her individual needs, and engage and involve parents in her development at school, suggesting specialist support whenever appropriate.<br>
{% endhint %}

## Deschooling in Children

[Ivan Illich](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ivan_Illich) coined the term "deschooling", by which he meant the shift from a traditional, government-influenced institution of schooling to a less-restricted method of learning that focuses on being educated by one's natural curiosities. **The deschooling process in children is, obviously, related to the amount of time they’ve spent in other schools.** A 10-year-old who attended traditional school all her life will have a different experience than a 7-year-old who has been exclusively homeschooled.&#x20;

**There is no formula for how long deschooling takes, nor is there a script for what it looks like.** Sometimes, the deschooling experience will involve raucous games and running around; sometimes, it will involve withdrawing to a quiet place to draw, or play, or read a book. Kids who come from a culture where mean-spirited teasing, ridiculing, or shaming were rampant are likely to continue these behavior patterns at Kaleide while they figure out what cultural norms are valued here.

As a facilitator your role in this process is reflective: make explicit the implicit assumptions and motivations that you perceive under the choices the child is making, and the intended and unintended consequences of those choices. It can be difficult for children from traditional settings to even recognise when they are making choices and feel ownership over them. **Keep your observations light and non-judgemental: "I notice when you do X, Y happens."**

## Establishing Emotional Safety & Building Relationships

Choice is a vital part of self-directed education; for Kaleide's community to thrive, all the members must make choices that respect the needs and feelings of others in the greater community. The biggest barriers to self-directed learning is usually social-emotional –feelings like fear, uncertainty, or anxiety.&#x20;

{% hint style="success" %}
Creating an emotionally safe environment includes working with students to keep the space free from bullying, ensuring everyone feels they can express themselves without fear, and approaching each student as a person whose thoughts and feelings are valid.
{% endhint %}

Notice if a child is feeling left out, lonely, or unsafe. Listen for how conversations are conducted when you are in the room vs. when you are not. If a child has been recently added to the school from an environment where they did not feel safe, those feelings can linger for a long time and express themselves in patterns of communication that are harmful to others. As with physical safety, use your observations to reflect when actions and situations that are emotionally loaded - make the implicit explicit to foster the behaviors you want to see in your community without using your authority to undermine the children’s autonomy.

## Physical Contact Between Children and Adults&#x20;

Research is clear that physical touching and holding is critical to children's healthy physical and emotional development. The following are some guidelines that ensure children’s control and safety over their bodies:

* **Check with children if they wish to be touched, held, or carried before initiating physical contact.** Each child has their own unique need and comfort level with respect to physical contact. Adults are to respect children’s limits unless contact is used to ensure the physical safety of the child.&#x20;
* **Avoid tickling and chasing children unless you are certain they feel at ease with you.** Our size and speed can excite as well as overwhelm children, turning a fun activity into a scary one. If children want such interaction, have them chase you.&#x20;
* **Allow children to climb and reach heights and locations without physical assistance.** Resist the urge to “help” a child reach their desired location by lifting them off and on the ground or other places. By allowing them to use and develop their own physical skills and power, their body awareness and control grows. This awareness gives them the knowledge of their own physical strengths and limitations, thus enabling them to take appropriate risks and challenges without risking injury. If you are concerned about the safety of an activity either stay close and supervise or help the child find safer options.

## Understanding Self-Directed Learning

Beyond mitigating the bad habits and hurtful behaviors that we bring to Kaleide from our default cultures, you are there to reinforce the understanding that learning is natural and happening all the time. Being in relationship with your students is the only way to know when to step-in and when to step-back.&#x20;

How can we provide the maximum amount of support with the minimal amount of interference in a self-directed education environment? Because there are so few examples in the world of self-directed education, it’s helpful to children (and their parents!) to have the vocabulary to describe their learning. You can do that by reflecting when you notice learning like:

* Creative problem solving
* Leadership and coherence-holding
* Time management
* Critical thinking
* Decision making
* Planning long-and-short term projects
* Responsibility for intended and unintended consequences of their actions
* Traditional “academic” skills in other contexts (e.g. learning math by making change at a store)

This list can go on and on. Language is powerful, and by using descriptive language to give names to the skills that children are already practice, we reinforce the understanding that learning is natural, their choices are valid, and they are creating an education that has meaning.

**Remember that modelling and building authentic relationships with the students will be the most natural way students will learn how to self-direct their education.** One of the most powerful features of Kaleide is the age-mixing of children and grown-ups into one community. The age-mixed environment provides children with lots of models for different kinds of relationships; an age-mixed environment with a strong, positive, inclusive culture will support kids of all social-emotional backgrounds with a sense of safety and security as they begin to explore their own interests. **As a member of our community, you are continually modelling how to be in community with others, form and support a myriad of relationships, communicate your needs and expectations, ask for or offer help, manage your time, try new things, be vulnerable, and practice gratitude.** Practice mindfulness, because they are always watching you (even when you think they’re not paying attention!).

## Freedom – Not License

This description from A.S. Neill, the founder of [Summerhill](http://www.summerhillschool.co.uk/), is part of our ethos. **The hardest part in creating a space for children to have choices is to know when you reach your own limits.** We must listen to the feeling inside that says, ‘No, I don’t like this behavior, I want this behavior to stop.’ In the framework of a non-authoritarian, respectful approach, one has the right to say what may not be done. (The opposite, telling the child what to do, robs them of responsibility and practice in making decisions. Telling the child what to do is demanding certain performances for your needs instead of the child’s).&#x20;

**You care about children, in a non-possessive way, when you allow them to make choices which fit their needs, but which do not violate yours!** You create a structure, by the framework of your limits, within which the child can choose. **This is freedom, not license.**&#x20;

{% hint style="info" %}
Genuineness is critical in a relationship with a child.&#x20;
{% endhint %}

The best intent in the world to listen to a child’s feelings will not work if you are unaware of, or afraid of, your wish to say no. If that’s where you are, if that’s what you really want to say, then say it! The process of coming to terms, honestly, with each other, has as its payoff children and adults who care about themselves enough to be able to care about others enough to solve problems respectfully.

## Expression of Feelings

Children are encouraged to express all of their feelings at Kaleide, including their anger. During times of extreme emotion, people sometimes express feelings in hurtful ways, such as kicking, hitting, biting, pinching, spitting, throwing sand at others, and more. They are encouraged to work out their feelings in any of the following ways, which help the healing process:

* hitting pillows/pillow fights
* throwing balls at targets or drawings of angry faces
* biting on safe, clean chosen objects (soft plastic toy, clean towel)
* stomping on aluminum cans
* dictating or writing a letter or note about why we’re mad
* tearing, crushing, crinkling or punching newspaper
* tearing newspaper an adult pretends to read
* pounding clay with mallet or fists
* pushing against a pillow held by an adult
* punching hanging punching bags
* throwing water balloons at target
* teasing a parent or teacher (role play, pretend, name calling)
* playing with mud, clay, play-dough, cornstarch goop
* wrestling (be sure to let the child be in charge and always be the “strong” one)
* kicking cardboard box towers
* throwing body against mattress wall
* screaming and yelling
* making faces
* banging on something safe
* using “soft swords” made of newspaper on hanging plastic bottles or cardboard boxes&#x20;
* running&#x20;
* popping plastic bubble wrap
* stomping feet
* angry drawing

## Bodies and Nudity&#x20;

Preschool children are just beginning to learn about the world around them and their relationship to it. They are often not self-conscious about topics that many adults find difficult. Children have a natural curiosity about their bodies, how their bodies work, differences between boys and girls, questions about sexuality. Body parts and sexuality are talked about at school, stemming from children’s discussions and questions, or as brought up through books or songs. Occasionally, while participating in water play or just during the natural course of their play, some of the younger children will take off their clothes. This is ok, but for reasons related to hygiene children should not be naked while using the trampolines, sitting on benches or chairs, or indoors (intestinal worms can be spread very easily).

Children will often express an interest in direct exploration of each others bodies. We consider this curiosity normal and natural and do not want children shamed for their interest, and we will help children process their feelings and their interest in bodies; whenever children engage in this mutual exploratory play, it is of vital importance that we provide non-invasive supervision to assure the necessary attention to everyone’s safety limits.

## <br>
